Thursday, May 22, 2008

follow your heart

I've been thinking a lot lately (again) about what it is I really want to be doing in my life - right now, next year, in five years. I've never, ever had a good answer to the question "what do you want to be when you grow up?" There are so many could I possibly pick just one? Since graduating from college (ten years ago already, yikes!) I've always had "just a job," something to pay the bills and let me live my real life. But lately, especially now that I have Mina, I find myself resenting the job as something that keeps me too long away from the things I love.

I've changed jobs every couple of years. Once everything is learned and there are no challenges left, I am too easily bored and it is time to move on. I thought my next opportunity had presented itself, and I was looking forward to the change, even if it meant I was starting again at "just a job." It wasn't a huge change, just a different office down the hall, a different area of student services at my university. But different was the point. When I found out yesterday that it wasn't going to work out, I felt pretty down about it. I've been telling myself that it's ok, because it wasn't my true desire anyway. What that true desire actually is, I'm not certain. I know my little "about me" blurb over there says I want to be a librarian. And that's true. I also want to be an English teacher, a poetry and journal therapist, a writer, a knitwear designer (come on, what knitter doesn't?), an artist, a shop owner, an editor, and a stay at home, homeschooling mom. Really. I would love to do each of those things, and how can I possibly choose? Why should I have to?

I bought this book yesterday, The Renaissance Soul: Life design for people with too many passions to pick just one. I am always skeptical about self-help books that promise to help you attain the life of your dreams. So far though, this book seems pretty good. It's helping to convince me that I am not crazy or a failure and I don't have ADD. Maybe it will also help me get past the stagnation of "just a job." Jamie and I have been looking at all kinds of alternatives lately. We both want me to be home more. I feel like I have so much I want to do creatively for myself and as a mother, and I need the time to do it. And I feel like Mina needs more of my time than I have available to give when I have to be away from home for nine hours each day. Jamie is looking at a necessary career change as well. This could be the beginning of big transition time for us. We'll see.

The photo above is from the hallway in our house. One of the tiny things I did in all my weekend activity was to take that forlorn ATC that had been sitting in a pile on the kitchen counter since February, attach it to a canvas, and hang it where I walk by and see it a hundred times a day. Just a little daily reminder to follow my heart.

1 comment:

AnnieB said...

I could have written that off to check out the book right away. I share your distrust of those kind of self help books but figure anything that can help me mediate or work positively with my many passions (rather than seeing them as a sign of weakness and indecisiveness!) could be good

glad I found your blog - I was researching capelets on the serendipity of it all